My Hero

I wrote this almost 5 years ago, but I think it's worth re-sharing today.


May 8, 2009 at 2:03am

As I sit here on the eve of services for my baby son I can't help but try to make sense of what has happened.

Some know the story of my pregnancy with Kyle and Jack. At 22 weeks I was in the hospital because Jack's water broke. They actually believe it broke at 20 weeks when I was in the doctor's office because of loss of fluid, but they couldn't prove it was amniotic fluid then. At 22 weeks I was put on bed rest until one of two things happened - I went into labor or I developed an infection that required delivery of the boys. For five long weeks I sat on the couch. Each week I went in and the doctor was amazed that both boys continued to grow and have good blood flow through their cords. Each week Jack hung in without his amniotic sac sealing over and re-filling with fluid. Each week Kyle sat under my rib cage bearing the weight. You see, the doctor told me that had this been a singleton pregnancy that I would have lost the baby at 20 weeks when my water broke because without the cushion of the fluid filled amniotic sac, the baby would not have been able to bear the weight of my body; my skin, muscles and organs would not have moved and stretched to allow growth.

When the boys were born, they were amazed at what good shape they were in given their circumstances. They were amazed when they overcame the many obstacles they did such as Kyle's PDA and Jack being on a ventilator. And they were stunned when N.E.C. claimed Kyle's life.

As I search for meaning I can only come up with this...

In October 2008 God put out a call for a very special angel. He told the angles that it would be a short visit, but that the angel that chose to go on the mission would be well loved. The angel would need to be strong because another's life depended on it. The angel would only have a short time with a Mommy and a brother, but the angel would forever be remembered as a loved twin. We are very blessed that Kyle stepped up and took on the mission. Without Kyle, Jack would not be here today. And while I would give anything to have both of my beautiful boys with me, I know Kyle started as Jack's guardian angel and that he will forever be watching over Jack.

A hero is a person noted for feats of courage or nobility of purpose, especially one who has risked or sacrificed his or her life. A hero is someone who has given his or her life to something bigger than oneself.  Kyle is a hero.  Kyle is my hero.

A Club No One Should Join

Last week a friend of mine gingerly told me about a coworker/friend of hers that had recently given birth to premature twins and she, my friend, had just found out that one of the babies passed away.  I have not been able to get this momma out of my head since.  Thinking about her has led me to think about what I went through.  There is so much I would love to tell this momma.  Things like:

     - You will find a way to continue on for your children; not just the surviving child, but BOTH of them.

     - Memories of your child will be bittersweet for a long time.  I cannot tell you how long since it still happens for me, but I suspect it will be that way forever.  BUT, there will also be times when you think of your child with nothing but love and happiness.

      - Seeing or even hearing about other twins will drive you mad for sometime.  It's very hard to be jealous of people with twins and at the same time feel happiness that another mother didn't go through what you went through.

     - You sort of feel like you don't have a "group" to belong to.  You're the momma of twins, but you only have one baby to care for.

      - At first people will try to comfort you.  No it doesn't make you feel better that loved ones who have passed are looking after your child.

      - Then people will be fearful to mention your child's name.  It will at times feel like you are the only one who remembers that your baby was here.

     - Then people will get to a place where they can mention your child, but they are still not comfortable.  This will take some help from you to get them there.  Talk about your child when you are strong enough to.  People will ask you how many children you have.  Their comfort be damned, tell them you have a child in Heaven.  When someone asks me if Jack is my only child, I say, "No, he has a twin brother who is no longer with us."  Some people will walk away from the conversation, some will change the subject, but I refuse to ignore my child for their comfort.

     - There will be times, and they will surprise you, but there will be times when you think about your child and miss them so much you can feel the ache in your heart.  You will have good days and bad days.  You will feel guilty for laughing, but you will also pick yourself up after a day of crying.  You will never forget and it will not "get easier," but you will find a way to go on.

Through everything you have to find things that you do for you to help you through.  Find someone or a group to talk to.  I love reading the postings from Mommies with Angel Babies on Facebook.  Sometimes they make me sad, sometimes I smile, but every time I know there is someone out there who does understand.

There are so very many more things I would love to share, but most important is, do not be afraid to talk to your child about their special angel.  I always talk to Jack about Kyle.  When we say our prayers at night, we always say "Goodnight Kyle.  We love you and miss you very, very much."  I take Jack to visit Kyle's grave.  Jack picks out decorations for the different times of year.  Some people think it's weird that Jack is comfortable going to see Kyle and playing in the cemetery, but I think it's important.  Jack knows he has a brother.  He's still a little young to understand how his brother saved his life, but that time will come.

Time For His Checkup

On Friday, March 7 Jack went to Dr. J at Lurie for his most recent post-surgical checkup.

Dr. J commented that his leg looks great in a certain position from the x-rays.  Now, I'm not sure exactly what that means for the other views, but I'm trying not to over think things since the first words out of Dr. J's mouth when he came into the room were, "Jack you're amazing."

Jack had three questions about his visit and I encouraged him to ask Dr. J himself.

Question #1 - Are you going to use a saw when you take out the metal?
     No. No saw.

Question #2 - Are you going to use a screwdriver when you take out the metal?
     Yes he will use a screwdriver.

Question #3 - Can I start learning how to play hockey?
    I think this picture best answers that question

Jack will begin taking skating lessons in April!

As for his next surgery, Dr. J is okay with doing it in August before school starts so that Jack won't miss any school.  The procedure is supposed to be an outpatient procedure.  But with Jack's throat issue, as always, I will pack for at least an overnight stay.  

We will be going back in June for a mini visit.