A Club No One Should Join

Last week a friend of mine gingerly told me about a coworker/friend of hers that had recently given birth to premature twins and she, my friend, had just found out that one of the babies passed away.  I have not been able to get this momma out of my head since.  Thinking about her has led me to think about what I went through.  There is so much I would love to tell this momma.  Things like:

     - You will find a way to continue on for your children; not just the surviving child, but BOTH of them.

     - Memories of your child will be bittersweet for a long time.  I cannot tell you how long since it still happens for me, but I suspect it will be that way forever.  BUT, there will also be times when you think of your child with nothing but love and happiness.

      - Seeing or even hearing about other twins will drive you mad for sometime.  It's very hard to be jealous of people with twins and at the same time feel happiness that another mother didn't go through what you went through.

     - You sort of feel like you don't have a "group" to belong to.  You're the momma of twins, but you only have one baby to care for.

      - At first people will try to comfort you.  No it doesn't make you feel better that loved ones who have passed are looking after your child.

      - Then people will be fearful to mention your child's name.  It will at times feel like you are the only one who remembers that your baby was here.

     - Then people will get to a place where they can mention your child, but they are still not comfortable.  This will take some help from you to get them there.  Talk about your child when you are strong enough to.  People will ask you how many children you have.  Their comfort be damned, tell them you have a child in Heaven.  When someone asks me if Jack is my only child, I say, "No, he has a twin brother who is no longer with us."  Some people will walk away from the conversation, some will change the subject, but I refuse to ignore my child for their comfort.

     - There will be times, and they will surprise you, but there will be times when you think about your child and miss them so much you can feel the ache in your heart.  You will have good days and bad days.  You will feel guilty for laughing, but you will also pick yourself up after a day of crying.  You will never forget and it will not "get easier," but you will find a way to go on.

Through everything you have to find things that you do for you to help you through.  Find someone or a group to talk to.  I love reading the postings from Mommies with Angel Babies on Facebook.  Sometimes they make me sad, sometimes I smile, but every time I know there is someone out there who does understand.

There are so very many more things I would love to share, but most important is, do not be afraid to talk to your child about their special angel.  I always talk to Jack about Kyle.  When we say our prayers at night, we always say "Goodnight Kyle.  We love you and miss you very, very much."  I take Jack to visit Kyle's grave.  Jack picks out decorations for the different times of year.  Some people think it's weird that Jack is comfortable going to see Kyle and playing in the cemetery, but I think it's important.  Jack knows he has a brother.  He's still a little young to understand how his brother saved his life, but that time will come.